Its late and everyone is asleep except me. My eyes are watering because Im yawning so much but at the same time Im wide awake and have been trawling the internet reading about bone marrow transplants. A real optimist aint I? I think, no I know, I am becoming scarily paranoid about this whole thing. Worried sick about t-cell renegades rallying themselves for an all out war against my baby. I find myself searching the eyes of the doctors and nurses looking for signs that they arent telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Do they see tell tale bad omens in his blood analysis but arent telling me? Scott had sore legs yesterday, and yeah I know, probably from his recent roller blading, but every half hour I'm questioning him about the pain. "On a scale of 1 - 10 how bad does it feel? Is it any better than an hour ago? Is the pain spreading?" Our cats still seem to migrate towards Scott just as they did prior to diagnosis and in the early days and weeks, I hate that they do that! I wish they would stop and treat him with as much disregard as they do the rest of us. Do they know something I dont know? Today I had to take 2 crazy pills to stop my heart from beating so fast! I hate this shit. We all do. We are all tired and grumpy and bitchy. We are entrenched in a world of pediatric cancers and it feels like every week we hear of a child dying. It may be a child whose blog we have been following, it may be someone we know, and every time it happens it knocks you deeper down. We wander around in a daze for a while, saying nothing, feeling the horror, sadness and misery, feeling downright pissed off at the world. It doesnt seem fair. But life isn't fair, survival of the fittest and all that. Yet even with the most pragmatic approach you cant help but cry yourself to sleep at night wondering, 'why my child'? Cancer is a cruel disease, it twists the knife, it makes you suffer and I hate it with so much passion it's probably not healthy. David, Derry, Scott and I have walked the halls at the hospitals, we talk to the patients and the parents, we see how it ravages the body and the mind, and the thing is, its not for weeks, or months, this torture can go on for years, and still the dreaded 'r' word hangs above all our heads even years after the cancer has "gone". Then there are the side effects, the long term and late effects thrown in for good measure.
Och well, cheery reading huh?! Be grateful I edited out how I REALLY feel.