Yesterday was a tough day. Many times Stephanie has written about little Matthew Gliddon. Matthew had relapsed late last year and a lot of complications followed. He was on a plan to prep for a bone marrow transplant, but then began having infection problems. Things got more complicated. Too complicated to go into here.

Matthew lost his fight Wednesday while at home with his parents.

There just are no other words.

Rest in peace little Matthew.

Clinic Day

Today obviously was clinic day. Scott's counts were good and he got methotrexate through his port. It was a very busy, chaotic, noisy day in the clinic. Scott was chirpy and upbeat this morning, but was fed up and silent by the end of treatment. Part of the reason was Doc Rossbach wouldn't write another script for Tylenol/Codeine just yet. Scott has went through the last batch quickly with all the Vincristine pain. We're going to try a couple of other "lighter" things. But needless to say, Scott was not happy about the prospect of his bottle of magic elixir running dry.

I hope he cheers up this afternoon, as he was in a great mood and mindset this morning. Just seems each time he starts a good day, something comes along and smashes it.

He is progressing in his "virtual school" classes. The math class just got started this past week, so now I'm involved (as Stephanie just does not like "numbers"). We've been rather well pleased with the program, and Scott has taken to it with a positive outlook overall. That's good, as we have to get his brain churning on a regular basis.

Christine (Stephanie's mum) made it back to the Isle of Wight all in one piece. However, she's do for a bit of a knee operation on Monday, so we hope that all goes well. Eric (Christine's husband, Stephanie's stepdad) is just a couple months past having a hip replacement operation and is progressing well. We owe both of them a huge THANK YOU for their generosity. Eric lost his first wife to cancer, and knows very well the type of things we face through this ordeal. Again, family does something amazing.

It's been a week

It's been a week since we've posted. Largely due to being off work, out of school and Stephanie's mum having arrived last Thursday. She arrived just a day before I headed off for our annual golf trip (which got shelved last year).

As I said, Stephanie's mum arrived a week ago. They've been out and about while I was away with the "guys". Stephanie will have to fill you in on everything they've been up to in the last week.

I got away to Gulf Shores for 4 days with my buddies. It was the first time I'd been away from home or from Scott for more than one night, and that was a bit awkward. At times I'd be playing golf and out of the blue just think to myself "why the hell am I here?". I have a kid with cancer, and one feels very guilty doing something as normal as playing some golf, especially being away from him. So many things go wrong out of the blue with these children, one never knows when the call/email may come that sends you rushing back as quick as possible. I must say, it's a very uncomfortable feeling when you think "wow, if something happens, I have to take off and drive for 8 hours just to get there". Makes me wish our golf trip was close by. Maybe we'll do that next year. But I did have a good time, and do feel a little less like I may have a heart attack at any given moment. I'm just glad I have friends (4 of the 8 of us started 1st grade together) that I can do such a trip with, especially now. They're a group of guys which won't allow me to wallow in despair, else they'll smack me around a bit. We all know what each other has experienced through most of life, and we all know how to reel back in each other's sanity a bit.

On to Scott....today was clinic day, and Scott's counts came back good so all chemo was a "go". It was also spinal tap day. These treatments only happen a few times in his protocol, and he's knocked out for the process. I don't think he ever believed us about how quickly he goes to sleep, so he wanted that part of the procedure filmed. I've posted it at the bottom of this post. If you find it weird that we see humor in the process, well, having a kid with such a disease makes one a bit warped and we were a bit that way at the outset. He's feeling okay now, especially after eating pizza and taking some Tylenol/Codeine for his back. We're just awaiting the joy that is "steroid effect/vincristine pain" days. They can be a bundle of fun. We'll see how it goes, as we are trying some type of additive this time round. Glutamic acid I believe, which has helped some kids with vincristine pain. It's not another drug, just an additive found at any nutritional store. The docs said give it a go, so we'll see.

So without further ado, here's Scott being zonked out to have a large needle shoved in his spine.

For the first time in over 14 months Thursday has rolled around but Scotty doesn’t have to go for chemo!

Instead he had clinic yesterday and thankfully his blood work came back looking good. Another high anc (still low for a healthy person mind you) which is obviously better than a neutropenic/very low anc but will likely mean increased chemo next week. They will continue tweaking with the chemo until regular low (ish) counts are seen. If cells are allowed to flourish in the blood this also means leukemic cells may come back also. Its a vey fine balancing act.

Scott also had his breathing treatment yesterday which went very well but made him feel ill later in the day. The poor kid had a complete meltdown last night, I guess every now and then the emotional crap really takes its toll and just has to come out. I’m still holding on the anti-depressants, I’d rather deal with the issues and get through them every day rather than give him another pill. But we’ll see, the mental aspect of this is really starting to rear its ugly head.

David is also still feeling pretty darn bad and now has a weird and painful side effect from the antibiotics he had been taking. So the two of them last night, both thoroughly miserable, were not a pretty sight.

Anyhow, today should be a better day.

The reason for switching days is because Scott was asked by the Children’s Cancer Centre to take part in the filming of a commercial for a new section of the park at Busch Gardens. It is called Jungala and one of the main attractions is a very cool zip line. So Scott got up early this morning and went with David to try out the new ride and take part in the filming. Should be a great day and I can’t wait to hear all about it.

I am staying home and cleaning. Well at least I’m supposed to be; instead I’m cruising the internet and updating the blog. Maybe I’ll get out my mop and bucket after the next cup of coffee. I’m gonna have to – MY MUM IS COMING!! Aaaaaarghhh!! Panic! Panic! Panic!

She is probably over Ireland right now and heading to Philadelphia. Then she has a three hour wait until her flight to Tampa. We’re all really excited, having Nana around is wonderful, she does so much to help and does all sorts of cool stuff with the boys. I know she will put me to shame and actually fly Scotts kite with him rather than let it sit in the corner of the room, never built and never flown. And on Saturday she will see Derry play hockey and will probably embarrass the hell out of him, but I guess that’s what Nana’s are supposed to do.

She also has with her my Dad’s claddagh ring he always wore. Dad died without a penny (and lots of bills) to his name which the more I think about the more I like. He lived for the day and enjoyed it. He wasnt really your conventional sort of Dad, more of a wild rover and free spirit. All he left were personal items and I claimed his claddagh. Its going to be kind of weird to see it again.

EDIT: Well, so much for a fun day at Busch Gardens. Poor Scott took a fall from a rope climbey thing and came home after just a couple of hours quite hysterical and claiming how much the whole wide world just hates him. He has a big angry bruise on his back and another on his arm. He's calmed down a bit now, after a shot of codeine, but not a happy chappy thats for sure. :(

Scott has been feeling great these last few days, it is simply wonderful. I even remarked to David earlier “he’s starting to look like a normal kid again”. No longer do people look at him ‘funny’ or with curiosity or pity. He still has his round face but is getting a little colour in his cheeks and it’s even getting to the stage where he needs a hair cut!! My friend Paolo at Toni & Guy promised him a makeover whenever he wanted but so far Scott is refusing and vowing never again to cut his hair.

He has been working hard with the Florida Virtual School and recently started a new course studying World Cultures. Today he sat for three hours totally engrossed in an interactive exercise, building a ziggurat. He loves to learn about the ancients and if my brainwashing goes according to plan in ten years he’ll be off to the Great Rift Valley, a trowel in one hand and a toothbrush in the other.

David is starting to feel better and is now on some pretty heavy duty antibiotics which have given him a bit of a ‘Chernobyl’ look but did thankfully, stop the pain and fever.

Well that’s it for now, we have a busy week ahead and all being well lots of good stuff to look forward to. I’ll leave you with a beautiful song by Oasis. Scott loves Oasis. Scott has great taste!

Possum update: we have four babies, not three as previously thought. The 'nest' is right outside Scotts bedroom window and as night fell and the parents returned (after going AWOL this afternoon) we have discovered what noisy little furrballs they can be!

Scott is feeling much better than a few days ago thankfully. The pains have gone and the emotional turmoil and moodiness from the steroids have subsided. Hopefully we shall now have a couple of weeks of Scott feeling somewhat 'normal'. The next big chemo (a week on Thursday) will also involve ara 'c' and methotrexate being injected into his spine. This is something he hates, it leaves him with backache for a few days but the most traumatic part is Scott's reaction to anaesthesia.

David is still running a fever and is in a lot of pain. He did see the doctor yesterday and it seems he has a very nasty sinus infection. The antibiotics havent kicked in yet and he is having trouble with headaches and his vision. Hopefully in a day or so he'll be on the mend.

Derry is doing fine, still struggling with school but happy all the same. He is off out at hockey practice right now and I have to say a huge thank you to my friend Stephanie for making sure he got there today and keeping an eye on him. She has been an angel for us throughout all this and we are very grateful. Stephanie also homeschools her three boys and mentioned to me today about some outings for homeschooled kids on the horizon. I would definately like to be part of this and get Scott out and about a bit more often and meeting new children.

Speaking of Scotty, here he is with Jingle...

It also seems we have acquired some furry little squatters. Derry was cutting the grass earlier and came upon a big momma possum ....

He shrieked like a little girl, apparently it 'growled' at him, and ran inside. So I went out with an apple and guess what we found....

They look bigger in these pictures than they actually are. They are tiny, maybe three or four weeks old. I believe Dad is around somewhere too as a couple of nights ago I saw the cats all lined up staring at something in the garden. Turns out they were watching Momma Possum and big Daddy Possum getting all romantic right in the middle of our garden!!!

I hate to end this post on a sad note but I recieved a call this morning from a very dear friend of mine. Her child has relapsed. I will write more in the coming days and ask that you all do whatever you can to give this family your moral support. This family have been so kind to us and Scott is very fond of their precious little girl, Sierra. For everyone with a child who has leukemia relapse is the thing we dread more than anything else. Relapse indicates that the leukemia is stronger and more resistant than the therapy previously tried. Therefore the doctors must treat the relapse much more aggressively. Sierra had a relapse confirmed 2 days after her protocol ended, a time of great excitement yet a dangerous time, a window of opportunity for any remaining cells. I dont want to say too much about this child, sometimes writing here of other children makes me feel like a little old lady passing on the latest gossip. I just hope that you all know that this is not my intent. I write of these children only because I care and because of the great bonds forged during our crossed paths on this terrible journey.

Clinic went well this morning and Scott had an anc of almost 5000 (due to the steroids) which is great but will obviously drop considerably in the coming days. I talked for a while with the doctor as it is becoming apparent that with each new round of vincristine the pain gets worse and lasts for longer. She said that they do see this with some of the children, whilst in others the pain lessens each time. She has recommended Glutamic acid which has recently been trialed by the Children's Oncology Group and has been shown to ease vincristine pain. Also recommended and prescibed was Paxil!! Scott definately needs something to ease his depression and anxiety and I was very keen to give it a go unti I read up about it. I'm already a basket case, and whilst Im sure this drug is a blessing to many, many people, I dont think I am comfortable giving him something which says in big bold letters, 'children who take this medicine may be at an increased risk of having suicidal thoughts or actions'.

On to David. He woke with a temperature of 100.4 but said he was well enough to drop us at clinic and go to work for a while. He seemed okay this afternoon, not his usual chirpy self by any means but certainly not in the zombie state he was in last night. He yelled at the TV a bit , ate pizza, played his favourite playstation game a while and all seemed hunky dory. Then about an hour ago he started shaking and shivering and saying he hurts all over. He's now in bed covered in a hundred blankets making a strange sort of wheezing sound. His temperature is 99.4 but he's definately coming down with a cold or flu or something. Grandmomma, Papa and Carolyn ... I promise you I am taking good care of him. Were he to get up and walk right now he would sound like a box of tic tacs on legs with a mild case of vitamin C poisoning.

Thanks for checking in us. Goodnight.

Fever!

Poor David is in bed with a fever of 100.9 and feels like death warmed up. He says his whole body hurts and thought he was having a heart attack earlier at work. I felt like that last night but thought maybe I just needed to burp real bad. I still feel like I'm being squeezed but think its just stress - for me at least.
Needless to say we have gone into overdrive with the hand sanitizer and clorox. Scott's body will hit nadir in a day or two and his immune system will be screwed.
I gave David some Emergen-C and then went to make him my super-duper elixir - mango juice, soy protein, organic yoghurt, blackberries, blueberries and some green 'stuff'. I think he must have heard the blender because when I went back he was pretending to be asleep. :(
David tries to carry the world on his shoulders, sooner or later, it just gets too heavy. He needs a rest that's for sure.

A Punching Bag

The title of this post has dual meaning. It is both what I probably need and what we feel like right now. Two of the latest blows make it so. Be forewarned, this is a rant just like Stephanie's earlier post today.

First blow - our Government.

While filing out the old taxes this past weekend (online, it's easy and my bank makes it cheap), a window pops up and says "About that tax rebate: You will not qualify because you used an invalid SSN for Stephanie". Keep in mind Stephanie and the boys use "ITIN's" from the IRS. The ONLY use an ITIN serves is for TAX purposes. However, in Washington's brilliance, the "tax refund" bill (passed just in early February) is written in a way that say folks using ITIN's are NOT allowed the rebate. Even if filing jointly with a natural-born citizen. It isn't that we just don't receive the rebate which would be calculated including them, the rebate for a single US citizen (me) is ineligible for me to receive.

All because they use numbers only given out by the IRS only. Which are used only for tax purposes. Not to mention, the boys can't procure SSN's until they are working age (Immigration Law). We are going to spend a morning at the local SSN office to file for a number for Stephanie (which will change nothing as 1. she will no be working while Scott is in treatment and 2. it will only be used to put on a tax filing for the benefit of getting said rebate and 3. because due to her being a LEGAL immigrant, she can't receive any public assistance for 10 years). Will see how that goes.

Second blow - Insurance plan.

We've had a great insurance plan from work. So good in this type situation, I've been a huge proponent of encouraging people to do the math and switch if it makes sense. The plan had a sizable deductible ($4,000), but after that was met with hospital, doctor and pharmacy bills, everything was covered 100%. The maximum we'd spend any plan year was the 4k. Pretty clear cut and easy to plan for.

So I receive today our Open Enrollment letter. Same provider. Same plans options. Just one wee little addition this year - "We will be introducing prescriptions co-payments AFTER the deductible is met on the high deductible plan". Great. This makes me see red. The one thing I could count on as not being a worry through the nightmare of having a child with cancer was our insurance, as I knew exactly what we would spend, planned for it, and forgot about it.

Now, with this in place, there is no absolute out of pocket maximum. We have no idea what drugs Scott will need (we know the ones in the protocol). What if we had to pay for all those nasty Luvenox shots last September? So there is no way to plan and forget what expenses will be faced, as there is no maximum. This additional cost could easily be as much as the deductible again. We're always at the pharmacy for something or another.

So we all feel like we want to beat the hell out of a wall or something.

At the same time, we all feel like we've had the hell beat out of us.

In no way will we let Scott go without anything he needs in this fight, that is not the issue. It is just a frustration very similar to what Stephanie wrote about earlier - this mess is ugly regardless of what facet you view. It just doesn't get the coverage or interest that Lance Armstrong on a bike of Susan G. Komen's pink ribbons do. It doesn't because millions of women face breasts cancer. Millions of men face prostate and other cancers. But only a few in a million are kids that are diagnosed with cancer.

And most of the cries to help the few go unheard.

In summary, Dubya (the rebate was his idea, and he hates all immigrants it seems, and especially makes the LEGAL ones suffer while doing nothing to stop the illegals), Congress (for writing such drivel and not funding ped onc research) and UnitedHealthcare (for killing the spirit of high deductible plans - one of the best ideas in healthcare in decades) can just all go straight to bloody hell.

Have a nice day.

Paging Bob Geldof

As time goes by it seems the angrier I become. I do not believe David and I were chosen to parent a child with cancer because “we are strong enough to deal with it”, nor do I believe that the children who die from cancer are any more special than any other child on Earth or that they have been called home to god. I am sick of reading these hogwash supposedly comforting words. I am also fed up with the truth of this horrific disease not being exposed. Whilst the image of the happy bald child playing in the sun may be more pleasing to the eye than a child throwing up so aggressively that he or she shit themselves, the nasty and cruel reality should be out there. I would love to run a PETA style advertising campaign, in your face, this is what cancer does, and it is NOT about cute bald kids and their bravery. Bravery does not beat cancer neither do smiles. Neither does prayer. They may help the individual I am sure but at the end of the day have no bearing on the end result. The only chance at a better cure rate is more money. And to be perfectly honest were I to see a cute and fluffy seal cub being clubbed to death or a happy bald kid, guess where my money would go? I know that prior to Scott’s diagnosis I had absolutely no idea what childhood cancer entailed or to the extent of those diagnosed. I am sure that I must have seen campaigns for pediatric cancer to raise awareness but cannot recall a single image or slogan yet certain images, such as Romanian orphanages, fluffy dead seal cubs or AIDS victims, will stay with me for life. Pediatric cancer is very, very ugly and can take many years to overcome or to die from. I would love to take your hand and show you around our oncology unit, and whilst there may be hope and smiles there is also an untold story of pain, worry and immense suffering.

Driving for Donors

Please view the video above about Pat Padraja and his Driving For Donors program. Pat and his parents have asked us to help with this year's drive, so please help us help them! I know most of the folks that come here regularly will help in any way possible, but we need to spread the word as far and as wide as possible. So if you have an email list, please contact your friends and family and give them this link:

http://apps.facebook.com/help_pat/facebook_apps/ad_landing?campaign=442&source=email

Any help in any way will be greatly appreciated by Pat and everyone at Driving for Donors. But even more importantly, each person that finds a marrow match from the people signed up by Pat's effort will have another chance at living.

And I can guarantee you they will be even more appreciative.

Pat's mom sums up their need by in the message she sent us:

Can you help us with this year’s drive? We are having a hard time fundraising this year and I am beginning to panic a bit. We need to raise $35,000 more for the US portion of the drive that the RV will leave for in early May, not to mention another $100,000 for the international portion of the drive to the countries that are desperate for Pat’s help!

So please, spread the word far and wide. Thanks!

Enjoying what was in Easter Bunny's basket ...

and Springsteen enjoying the sun..

Joanne Lee

A friend, fellow cancer mum from St Joes and a heck of a brave lady. Look what she did today to raise money and awareness for St. Baldricks and pediatric cancer......

before ...

and after...

Doesnt she look beautiful!!

For more photos and updates on her little girl, Samantha, please visit her caringbridge page...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/samanthalee

Maybe its not just leukemia that's in the blood

Hey, now boys there’s something not right
Did anyone see Willie at the dance last night
Let’s pick up Boa without a fuss
Chuck him in with caimans at the back of the bus
‘Cause we’re running late, it’s way past ten
We’re driving through the straths and glens
Come on, Johnny Bulla, make it fast
For the 12 noon throw-up
And the clash of the ash

Well we’d better make change now it seems
Geek to the centre, Weed to the wing
The Rocket’s old and slow and due to retire
Stick him right on the sawdust ready to fire
But if we do all that and there’s no-one spare
Tell me who’s gonna mark the Kinlochsheil Bear
He’s hard as nails, quick as a flash
He comes down from the caves
For the clash of the ash

This story started long ago
With heroes forged and legends told
And for every fighting highland man
Stand by your brother, die for the clan
But when the whistle blows and the battle’s done
These shinty boys shine like the sun
We don’t play for fame, we don’t play for cash
We just play for the glory
And the clash of the ash



Derry is playing (and Annie watching) soon. Scott feels like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards so it doesnt look like we'll be there to cheer him on. Good Luck Dezzy!!

Numb and wide awake

Another one of those nights tonight. One where I'm tired (we're always tired it seems) but can't become "sleepy". Nerves do that to you. Worry does it. Uncertainty does it. Scott is in full red face mode now. Full of joint pain, moody and swelling up. This cycle gets old when it rolls around every 3 weeks. Hopefully he'll get through the worst of it before next Friday so he can do his Relay for Life talk.

Tonight came news we didn't want to hear. Little Matthew Gliddon is being taken home by his parents early next week. They put a message up on his site tonight saying that was the case. His parents have had the conversation none of us cancer parents want to ever have - the conversation with folks that deal in Hospice care.

We ache inside for his parents, and especially for Matthew. He's just an innocent kid. His mom made a post that for the last 3 Christmas mornings, he had been in the hospital. The last time he wasn't, he was 2. The little guy hasn't ever known what it's like to wake up at home on Christmas. So many things he's not known or seen. And far too much trauma, pain and sadness.

Matthew was one of the first kids we met when Scott was diagnosed. If some miracle doesn't come to Matthew, I fear how it will affect Scott. Scott is a very emotional caring person. While he's been around many kids, he's not yet had one he knows face to face lose this battle.

I fear his reaction. But I also fear not knowing how to answer what questions may come. I hate having questions asked I can't give solid answers for. We're supposed to be able to answer anything for kids.

Please keep Matt in your thoughts. He's just a little kid, and this ugly beast is getting the best of him.

I hate this beast. I hate the drugs that have to be used to fight it. I hate seeing what it does to Scott, and all of these kids. It's painful and numbing all at the same time. No kid should face this.

Well, the pain has already started. Scott is so distraught, I know part of it is exhaustion, yet he is so wound up he cannot rest. I tried every trick in the book to make him smile, my Dayffd Thomas ("I am the only gay in the village), my Rick Mayall, ("Once upon a time in a wood, there lived a pair of trousers ...") and my real artificial squirty cheese rendition, but nothing seemed to work.

Its going to be a long night. :(

Clinic went fine this morning thankfully. Scott had an anc of around 2000 and fortunately his platelets were back up to 253. Biliruben was 1.2, top of the normal range but under the magic 2.0. His protocol dictates that anything above that number means half the recommended dose of vincristine. Due to his counts holding steady the last 3 cycles he had his 6mp and methotrexate upped to 90%, hopefully he will tolerate this without a crash in counts. His steroids were also increased - grrr - due to slight weight gain over the last few months.

Hopefully all these increases will not make for even worse pains and side effects over the coming week. I hate vincistine day and the start of steroids but know I would be a basket case if he wasnt getting his medication.

He has just taken his first dose of steroids and is already harassing me to call Pizza Hut. There is no way they have 'kicked in' yet, I understand the cravings oh too well but I think there is also a very obvious psychological element too. Now and then people ask me 'what can I do for Scott', well a Pizza Hut gift card would be very welcome as this whole cancer thing is proving to be a 'rather extravagant' experience!!

Well that is is for now, please think of David and I (LOL) as we deal with our steroid monster over the coming week. I think after caring for a child taking 165mg of prednisone a day, the teenage years will be a walk in a beautiful, flowery park.

Also please keep little Mathew in your thoughts. A lot of hearts are breaking at what this sweet child and his family are going through. Our friend Pat Pedraja is dedicating next years 'Driving for Donors' in Mathew's honor. Im so proud of Pat for his hard work and compassion and whilst I am horrified at what Mathew has had to endure I am also in awe of him for being so very brave. I'm just believing and clinging to the hope that Mathew will somehow and someway beat this crap.

Thank you for checking on Scott and Happy Easter!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kyleadams

Kyle is a young man in New Zealand with t-cell who has been fighting this with very little support from his family. I know he follows Scott's journey and we also watch over him. He is having so many health problems and is in intensive care. He was diagnosed 6 months after Scott and is still not in remission.

Please visit his webpage and leave him a message of support. The internet and his friends around the world are pretty much all he has and he values knowing that there are good people out there who DO CARE!

According to recent research (Prof. Adnan Qureshi, University of Minnesota) owning a cat can reduce the risk of heart attacks and strokes by more than a third. Prof. Qureshi said he was "surprised by the strength of the effect that owning a cat appeared to have".

Neat! The perfect validation to get another kitty.


Snipped from CNN ..

Even in death Arthur C. Clarke would not compromise his vision.
The famed science fiction writer, who once denigrated religion as "a necessary evil in the childhood of our particular species," left written instructions that his funeral be completely secular, according to his aides.
"Absolutely no religious rites of any kind, relating to any religious faith, should be associated with my funeral," he wrote.



Just for the record, should I drop down dead tomorrow, please do the same for me. And if someone could scatter me atop Craigendarroch that would do nicely.


Also from CNN

BISMARCK, North Dakota (AP) -- Using tiny brushes and chisels, workers picking at a big greenish-black rock in the basement of North Dakota's state museum are meticulously uncovering something amazing: a nearly complete dinosaur, skin and all.

Unlike almost every other dinosaur fossil ever found, the Edmontosaurus named Dakota, a duckbilled dinosaur unearthed in southwestern North Dakota in 2004, is covered by fossilized skin that is hard as iron. It's among just a few mummified dinosaurs in the world, say the researchers who are slowly freeing it from a 65-million-year-old rock tomb.

This is the dream of paleoanthropologists. Can you imagine seeing not just the fossilized bones of our ancestors but the skin and even facial features too? It takes extraordinary conditions but it can happen!