Numb and wide awake

Another one of those nights tonight. One where I'm tired (we're always tired it seems) but can't become "sleepy". Nerves do that to you. Worry does it. Uncertainty does it. Scott is in full red face mode now. Full of joint pain, moody and swelling up. This cycle gets old when it rolls around every 3 weeks. Hopefully he'll get through the worst of it before next Friday so he can do his Relay for Life talk.

Tonight came news we didn't want to hear. Little Matthew Gliddon is being taken home by his parents early next week. They put a message up on his site tonight saying that was the case. His parents have had the conversation none of us cancer parents want to ever have - the conversation with folks that deal in Hospice care.

We ache inside for his parents, and especially for Matthew. He's just an innocent kid. His mom made a post that for the last 3 Christmas mornings, he had been in the hospital. The last time he wasn't, he was 2. The little guy hasn't ever known what it's like to wake up at home on Christmas. So many things he's not known or seen. And far too much trauma, pain and sadness.

Matthew was one of the first kids we met when Scott was diagnosed. If some miracle doesn't come to Matthew, I fear how it will affect Scott. Scott is a very emotional caring person. While he's been around many kids, he's not yet had one he knows face to face lose this battle.

I fear his reaction. But I also fear not knowing how to answer what questions may come. I hate having questions asked I can't give solid answers for. We're supposed to be able to answer anything for kids.

Please keep Matt in your thoughts. He's just a little kid, and this ugly beast is getting the best of him.

I hate this beast. I hate the drugs that have to be used to fight it. I hate seeing what it does to Scott, and all of these kids. It's painful and numbing all at the same time. No kid should face this.