It’s late and I’m miserable as hell. I was reading earlier that scientists have discovered a ‘happy’ gene, very cool, however I don’t think mine is working. And not being happy makes me sad. How come so many cancer patients and parents seem so bloody happy all the time? I just don’t get it. Is it because they are on better drugs than me? Is it the “Jesus Beam”? (Only a few of you will understand that term, tis okay) Maybe it’s because I (and David) didn’t get zapped and we don’t have the hope and warm fuzziness of everlasting peace and life that comes with it.

I am so angry nowadays yet I have nothing or nobody to be angry at. Leukemia is as natural as any other ailment and as much as I am in awe at the evolution and survival of our species I absolutely hate being in a situation of having a child who is not among the ‘fittest’ and without medicine would stand no chance whatsoever at survival. What can I be angry at? A mutated gene?

Having a child with cancer is devastating. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or next week or next year. Leukemia can be cured but it is 10 years until a doctor would dare use that word. 10 years of watching, worrying and waiting. And even then the majority of these children will be left with serious long term damage and greater odds of developing further cancers. I remember during those early days, we were told over and over that we would find our "new normal" ... well screw that ... I will NEVER accept this, it will never be normal, never! And for those whom have said that leukemia is 'the better cancer' .... bite me!!