Scott & Sunny

Scott & Sunny

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The sun is trying to kill me

Scott had clinic again today - surprise surprise - and thankfully (phew) his counts looked okay and he got a lovely syringe full of methotrexate. His anc was lower than it has been in quite a while but I hope this is simply due to chemo being increased. I think that the nurses are getting pissed off with me though as I have so many questions and concerns... "why is this elevated", "why are the lymphs low", "why...", "why ... ", why ..."???? I feel like I am going crazy, my head hurts, my chest hurts, is cancer eating away at me too? Most of all every time I look at Scott it hurts, I get angry, livid, terrified. This is all so unfair. Life can be such a bad word that I couldnt post here. But it is.
I am fed up with it all. I still havent told Scott about the two sweethearts we lost within days of each other. Just cant do it. He loved them both so much. It will break his heart. Today and last week I have avoided other people at clinic, worried that someone will say something and I will end up in tears and Scott will find out. David says it looks like I am being rude. Well so be it.
I dont feel great either, kind of like Ive been slapped in the face with a brick. Not only that but I have been sitting in the sunshine a bit over the last week and now I look like I have the plague. It itches so bad and Im all bumpy. We also found out this morning that 27 cars in our street alone got smashed into last night. Our cars were untouched, I guess even a burglar has standards. Oh and something suspicious happened next door also. I think its time to polish up my karate skills or buy a bloody great gun. I read the other day that taser parties are becoming all the rage, kind of like tupperware but different, if I had any friends I might have a party like that too.
Well thats it, Im fed up with this crap. There is so much I would like to say on here but I wont. Its kind of like being in a goldfish bowl and its unnerving. I can only go so far. If I really opened up my big gob and let it all spew out I am sure they'd cart me off in a straight jacket.
Or maybe not .... I am sane. Yet I am a minority.

5 comments:

Chris Trey Mady Julia said...

Stephanie, We hear you. We feel for you and are thinking of you and sending loving thoughts your way. It's OK to say whatever you want to say. It seems to me incredibly sane to have really angry, sad thoughts when life is dealing you angering, sad situations. Love, Chris (Mady's Mom)

Laura said...

I hear what you're saying. All of your feelings are completely understandable and no matter what you write about there is not one person who would judge you. We all just want you to know you're in our thoughts and we appreciate you sharing as much as you do. I'm so sorry about all of the sad news recently. It must be so hard.
Thinking of you all. Angel Laura

nina said...

stephanie,
if you didn't feel this way,i'd say there was something truly wrong. the fact that you verbalize them shows how much and how well you are dealing with it. ALL OF IT.
i think you are completely justified in feeling the way you do. let it out. all out. howl at the heavens if need be.there is still alot of positive thoughts coming your way from all over.
hang tight. remember...
"your strength is devastating, in the face of all these odds"
nina

christine said...

All I can do Steph, is echo everyone elses thoughts - life is sometimes very tough and right now you are really going through the toughest patch imaginable. Be angry, get mad, don't try to hold it all in as that won't help anyone. But then give Scott and Derry a big hug and thank God you have them -never stop telling them you love them -as I love you.

Mum/nana

Anissa Mayhew said...

Stephanie,

I hope this doesn't make it all feel worse, but I want you to know what a positive impact you and Scott and your whole family had on one particular family. Sitting next to a beautiful picture of K was a pink Build-A-Bear that you had taken up to her. They told me to make sure you knew how much she loved it, how happy it made her and how much they loved you guys.

It does suck, it's hard to find positives in so much negativity. But you are a strong mom, you are going to find the way to get all of you through it.

Before my heathens get out of school for the summer, would you and Scott like to catch up for a lunch again? I had to much fun that day we went and I HAVE to see this rash you've got!

Love
Anissa
www.hope4peyton.org