Scott had clinic again today - surprise surprise - and thankfully (phew) his counts looked okay and he got a lovely syringe full of methotrexate. His anc was lower than it has been in quite a while but I hope this is simply due to chemo being increased. I think that the nurses are getting pissed off with me though as I have so many questions and concerns... "why is this elevated", "why are the lymphs low", "why...", "why ... ", why ..."???? I feel like I am going crazy, my head hurts, my chest hurts, is cancer eating away at me too? Most of all every time I look at Scott it hurts, I get angry, livid, terrified. This is all so unfair. Life can be such a bad word that I couldnt post here. But it is.
I am fed up with it all. I still havent told Scott about the two sweethearts we lost within days of each other. Just cant do it. He loved them both so much. It will break his heart. Today and last week I have avoided other people at clinic, worried that someone will say something and I will end up in tears and Scott will find out. David says it looks like I am being rude. Well so be it.
I dont feel great either, kind of like Ive been slapped in the face with a brick. Not only that but I have been sitting in the sunshine a bit over the last week and now I look like I have the plague. It itches so bad and Im all bumpy. We also found out this morning that 27 cars in our street alone got smashed into last night. Our cars were untouched, I guess even a burglar has standards. Oh and something suspicious happened next door also. I think its time to polish up my karate skills or buy a bloody great gun. I read the other day that taser parties are becoming all the rage, kind of like tupperware but different, if I had any friends I might have a party like that too.
Well thats it, Im fed up with this crap. There is so much I would like to say on here but I wont. Its kind of like being in a goldfish bowl and its unnerving. I can only go so far. If I really opened up my big gob and let it all spew out I am sure they'd cart me off in a straight jacket.
Or maybe not .... I am sane. Yet I am a minority.