I think the above photo describes pretty well how he is feeling although it was taken when he was in a good mood, and at a time when he was almost mocking himself. Scott is having the most incredible mood swings, one moment he is his normal, loud, happy and cheeky self, the next he is in despair. A lot of his misery is emotional and psychological. He is at his wits end dealing with leukemia, with the pain from the drugs, with the nausea, being cooped up at home and unable to play in the dirt with his friends. He said recently that cancer has stolen his childhood. I tried to say all the right things but we are all so depressed with the situation and it’s hard to believe that things will one day be back to normal. This has only been going on for 18 months, not long really, but life before cancer seems such a distant memory. Those carefree days are a blur. I look at old photos and it is like looking at a different family. Will we always carry that ‘deer in the headlights’ look or will it fade? Leukemia treatment is so long and arduous (and that’s IF all goes to plan!), it’s a real tough bitch to deal with. Someone recently said that their personal cancer “was a cakewalk” compared with what their child had to deal with. Yes many survive, but to get there is a very long road.

Scott is also distraught at losing his dad. Understandably so. He was doing okay for a little while but lately it is weighing heavily on his mind and heart. He has dreams of Callum, good and happy dreams where all is well, then he wakes up … Dad is gone, Grandad is gone, friends are gone, and he has to get up, face the cold hard facts and endure another day of cancer.

He has also started swearing. Oh my, just where could he have gotten that from?!! Every now and then he’ll throw a real humdinger into the mix. I’m sure it all relates to his anger and depression and I can’t say that its number 1 on my priority list. In fact it’s kind of funny to see him looking all angelic and cute, sitting at the counter doing a Pokemon jigsaw puzzle and suddenly let rip with words that would make a fish wife blush. I’m exaggerating a little, but you get my point. Maybe it’s genetic. The Scottish language is mostly curse words anyway. So much so that you don’t even hear them after a while. Oh how I miss it. Americans are so very polite... except for when they are shooting each other, or firing up the electric chair, "shock and awe"-ing, and such things.